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i hurt. pretty much all over! while i have been remiss about writing i have not been remiss about traveling. i am in hawaii for the week. and it was my genius idea to hike diamond head trail this morning (at 0800hrs might i add) and then have a surfing lesson at 1500hrs.

i now know why surfers have bodies to be oogled. my arms feel as if they are about to fall out of their sockets. just the first paddle out was enough to fell me! i am pretty sure the only reason that i manged to stand up on the board was because it actually took more energy to fall off it in the end!

but it was super fun! and if i find myself in a place where i can surf regularly i plan on doing so!!! the rest of the day was filled with cocktails (much to my mother's disdain i had a daquiri before setting off on the surfing adventure, the logic being that if i was slightly liquoured up my limbs would be looser and i would be less likely to hurt myself when falling off the board - there was no questing that i was going to be falling off the board!).

i then had lovely sunset cocktails at the moana surfrider (omg i want to stay there!) and meet some lovely kiwi's who joined me at my table (i was a 4 person table - i will never cease to understand why american refuse to share with others when they have space to spare! its a blanket declaration, but as far as i have seen true, i love sharing tables with strangers, you meet cool people that way. okay, sometimes they're odd, but then you just leave!)

anyway, i am shattered beyond belief, and trying to work on a job application, yeah not the best of circumstances!

tomorrow is pearl harbour and yesterday was diving. the diving was super mellow - i was out with two non-divers... but i saw a big sea turtle and a ray so i am a happy camper :) even if it wasn't a wreck dive... the colours here are no where near as cool as in dahab, but i guess is hard coral (cold water) instead of soft coral (warmer water)

and i am off to try and work some more.

and i am back! well, maybe sort of. its been ages since i last wrote. i'm back in the states and bumming around. its fantastic to be doing all of well, not really much! although i must admit our dogs are loving having me back, i seem to have taken on the task of being a living chair...

i kind you not. everytime i sit down they take it as their right, no, their responsibility, to sit on my lap! i've actually had to seek refuge in a cafe in order to respond to emails, update here and work on some job applications. lets just say that while they may be comfortable, daschunds are too long to comfortably fit on my lap and allow me freedom to type....

okay, so just a hello i am here, the move went okay, everything is unpacked etc etc (which in and of itself is amazing!)

the last two days have been amazing, incredible, i don't really know... there simply aren't words. leaving has been a long time in coming. i know its the right decision. i need the change, particularly professionally. my boss and i had a good long talk about it, and he agrees. which in a weird way helps me know what i am doing is right.

personally i am sure it is right as well. its just a hell of a lot harder. there was never going to be an easy way to make the break, but these last two days have made it even harder. albeit all the sweeter and with more memories. when i get dropped off at the airport, i like to do curb side drop, hug goodbye and then i am gone. in some ways, i wanted to try and get away with that here.

it would have been fine. but i should have know better that that would never work. and in a twisted, masochistic way i am glad that it didn't. my palestinian colleagues threw me a lovely surprise farewell with cake etc. yesterday, it was so sweet. and it was great that it was a mix of international and local colleagues who came, that said the most to me. i really, really appreciated it.

and then last night there was my international ppl farewell. it was fantastic. everyone came. seriously. everyone - at least everyone who was in gaza. my (and maria's) flat was full of people, laughing, dancing, having a good time. it was the perfect send off.

and there were presents and speeches, all so embarrassing and lovely. my boss said the sweetest things, and it meant all the more because i know that he doesn't say things that he doesn't mean. it was, again, i don't have words, just so fantastic, it means a lot when people you admire and respect, when people of such experience and background and skill all come together to celebrate you and your time and your leaving. it was very, very special.

and then today, saying goodbye. wow. it was hard and good, i felt the worst when disappearing on my local colleagues. but again my boss was lovely, swanning off to meetings outside after giving me a big hug and promising a recommendation letter for the files and a reference anytime i needed it. he's just been promoted. he's now the equivalent of an under-secretary general. his word counts for so much. its amazing to have that on file.

and then the sneaky bunch organised everyone (including all the drivers) down in the parking lot. there was more hugging and speeches, and everyone stood there waving until the cars left the compound. it was really, really lovely again. and the best memory to leave gaza with. knowing that i will be missed, that i made a difference, selfishly its just so lovely to have that there as my last image.

and yes, now i am off for drinks and dinner with some jerusalem friends, an airport run with maria, a lazy day tomorrow, with drinks with all sorts of assorted friends and colleagues tomorrow evening. i will miss this place and these people, but these wonderful memories from the last few days are just a perfect way to end.

yesterday i actually woke up because it was too quiet.... the sea was absolutely still, no waves, now wind nothing. i don't think i have ever been somewhere quite to serenely peaceful. i mean, at other beaches the surf is rougher (which i like) but there is also noise from other sources. here, occasionally, you have the dive trucks driving by, but thats it.

it has been supremely relaxing and hectic! i finished my advanced certification yesterday, it was great!! we did the canyon first thing yesterday morning before many other groups were there, which was cool, you go down about 10m and then descend about a further 20m into a canyon in the ground sit on the bottom do some 'exercises' - counting ones to check for nitrogen narcosis, colour ones to see the light difference.

then you swim around the canyon looking at all different wildlife and structures. its nuts when you sort of do the math and realise that you're 90ft under water! but now i can do deep dives which is cool :) we also did a drift dive, although to be honest the currents here aren't very strong so i barely noticed it.

for this dive we literally dropped into the water bcd inflated put on our fins and masks - and dropped down into another sort of tunnel/canyon. so as you jumped in and kitted up, there was about a 20m drop right below you, and you had about 1.5m on either side before you hit the coral wall.

so down we descended, and then you do a hop over a ridge and down another 26m and then under this little rock formation and out into open water to view the reef. not for those who get claustraphobic or vertigo!! again, just this amazing view peering out into nothingness on one side, down to a barely defined bottom (and we hadd 25-30m visability) and then this wall of coral just bustling with life! it was spectacular!!

more octopuses and eels (forgot that i also saw and eel on the night dive def. creepy!! as well as this gorgeous blue trigger fish (un blue!!) that must have been at least a foot tall and a foot and a half long!). and just tons of clown fish, zebra fish, parrot fish (so odd looking!) angel fish, everything! it was like living in a tropical acquirium tank!

then i did my third dive of the day - a naturalist one - and had to identifu at least 5 fish. didn't see the turtle though :( we did sommersaults to pass the time at our decrompression stop and played with the clownfish - one actually nipped my finger cause i wasn't fast enough! think it scared him more than me that he made contact with this weird thing!

i really just love the feeling underwater too of the serenity and peace, its eerie and amazing all at once. and the absolutely beauty is staggering, also when you realise that there really is this whole other world that we just don't see. i will definitely be keeping up with it this time.

i need to clue on to booking a flight to HI to see my brother - and book some diving :) i want to do a boat dive, and a wreck dive, underwater photography and maybe nitrox. with those and what i have as a basis, it really opens up pretty much everything for diving whenever and where ever i find myself :)

wondering now if i parents would disown me if i gave it all up and went off to be a diver... technical or instructing, what a life living by the sea, in the sea... of course its not all fun and games - i think i've learnt that lesson at least as well as most!

the last two days, well, 36 hours have been manic. i hope to write more tomorrow, my battery is dying and i am exhausted. i think only the hike up/down the crazy swiss/german mountain can rival this exhaustion. at least in recent memory.

but this is good exhaustion. i practically lived in the sea today. soooo much diving! and it went well, the night dive was a bit spooky. but considering it was my 7th ever dive i am not really surprised... i think once i am more confident/comfortable it would be cool to do it again.

my instructor is a gem! and he thinks i am wonderful, he didn't believe me when i said that my first dive with him was my 6th dive ever, he insisted on checking my log book. he said i dive like someone who has 30-35 dives under their belt :)

and i am a bit toasty, which is confusing because i spent most of the day under water... but i saw an octopus and the boys scared it to make it change colours (so cool!) and small baracuda, and flutemouth fish and clown fish and a flamenco dancer on the night dive (a fish, actually a slug, not a person) and a lion fish and oh my goodness so many others!

i am now determined to take a underwater photography class. and my bouyancy is loads better! i don't now alternate between the sea bed and the surface :) of course i feel like i am bouncing up and down even now that i am stationary on land!!

the journey here was a nightmare - 12 hours start to finish, but bed had never been so wonderful. and while dahab is not fantastic (all the stereotypes about egypt/the sinai are true...) it is just so peaceful and quite after gaza and jersualem. i woke to the sound of crashing waves and nothing else! and i am sitting now in the dark on the balcony over looking the pool and it is dead silent. so very zen.

alright, sleep is necessary, 0730hrs pick-up for another three dives...

i am finally truly testing out my wireless and blogging from bed :) just a quick post as i am full from another superb dinner (third night in a row we've had a low key communal meal, its great! i will miss that aspect) and rather sleepy. my mind has moved into overdrive and it's tiring out my body...

argh - today started off awfully! i am a completely idiot sometimes. see, i thought i was being clever and leaving my palestinian phone on gaza time and my israeli phone on israeli time. genius, no? well, as long as you don't set your alarm clock on the palestinian phone while in israel... yeah, genius.

so, i work up at '0555hrs' to catch my 0700hrs ride to gaza. which is fine, if its 0555hrs israeli time and not 0555hrs gaza time - which is really 0655hrs israeli time. i have never gotten dressed, run down the 4 flights of stairs or driven to the field office. 20minutes from waking up to shower, grab everything i could lay my hands on, dress and drive to the field office. i have no desire to ever do that again.

the rest of the day seemed positively serene in comparison. unfortunately there is all sorts of stuff i left in jerusalem. whoops. will work to get it in before i go to dahab on leave. le sigh, will come up with some plan or another! i am good at problem solving at least.

and then we had a nice thai night, its a good start to the week, it makes it not seem as intimidating. and well, i do love the social aspect of my colleagues.

whew - its been a hectic few days! wednesday was another manic day - well, the morning was okay, but the afternoon picked up after my boss got back into gaza. but i made it home before ifat - yay! that always means i get an extra hour at home in the evenings, which is good for packing.

but then i was beckoned to jodies to plan for dahab and well, that put paid to any packing! two g & t's later and a lovely bacon potato cheese bake i made it back downstairs just in time to shower and get down to sheri's for her bday drinks.. who'd of thought you'd have a stacked up social life in gaza?

so a couple of hours there and a couple of drinks later i had to start the rigors of saying goodbye to people - which is just weird - i still have two weeks left, but quite a few people are off on leave or not back in because they do like one week in and a couple weeks in the wb and jerusalem.

anyway, its never fun saying goodbye. although, the world is so small in this line of work that i doubt its a forever goodbye, which is nice to be able to say.

of course, the lack of packing wednesday night led to lose of sleep on manic packing thursday morning. but, i got quite a bit done so thats something! thursday was a ridculously short day, because with the time change we're an hour behind, but the israeli's don't change the crossing operating hours, so we cut out of work at 1330hrs to make the crossing. what a waste of a day!

and into jerusalem at about 1830hrs local time - losing that hour sucks! - and then i spent a good three hours packing, but i packed up everything in the jerusalem flat, which is completely liberating, knowing that that is all done. it all got sent off on friday morning, but that was a bit of an ordeal....

so, i'd been craving meat - i don't eat any in gaza but i eat lots of tofu and egg plant and other protein-y things, but i was just a bloody steak mood. so i convinced my flat-mate and a colleague who was also staying with us and off we went for steak.

it was actually quite good. so were the mojitos. it wasn't really supposed to be a boozy evening, but we all got to gossiping and it was just really fun to be out and having a fun girls night and drinking mojitos. so adom (where we went for dinner) turned into ha taklit, for another mojito, v different mix though.

and then ha taklit turned into toy bar - and all of a sudden we were taking tequila shots with corona chasers and dancing the night away and it was 5 in the morning... groan. it was really, really fun. but not really so much the next morning.

i have a new motto: you are not still in college. i need to remind myself of this before i go out from now on... friday morning was horrid. there is nothing worse than being hung over and having to get stuff done. especially when its something physical and its a hot day in the middle east.

carrying two boxes of my stuff the 1/2 to the post office sooo did not help the hangover... i came home and collapsed on the sofa and very nicely demanded that one of my flat mates drive me down to the post office so i could unload everything and not have to carry it down.

so we did a nice, pull over to the side with the emergency lights on and toss the boxes out of the car. not entirely legal, but it worked and everything got posted. i then came home and spent the afternoon on the couch recovering. which meant watching tv from the night before (yay supernatural!) and napping on and off.

i then had to rouse myself and become presentable for a friends bday dinner. it was really nice and chill. i ate too much, but it was so yummy! and i somehow made pleasant, semi-conscious conversation throughout the evening before managing to disappear home and sleep.

my shoulders and arms were sooo sore this morning though. ouch. heavy boxes are lame. but i do actually feel human today, so thats something! i spent most of the morning dosing before picking up a friend and heading down to tel aviv for the afternoon.

lazing on the beach half in the shade, half in the sun and just gossiping is great. i think we were also entertaining everyone around us who spoke english. well, entertaining is probably not the right word, but certainly intriguing! we had a reservist come up to us and ask is where we were from and what we did.

sensing safety in numbers i told him the truth. he was intrigued as he had done his service in khan younis - in the south of gaza - outside one of the settlements, this was like 6 years ago or so. it was weird, sometimes the way he spoke about gaza city and beaches and how like tel aviv they were. and then he completely switch tone.

he had lots of questions, what seemed like genuine ones built on sheer curiosity. and he wanted to speak in arabic with someone, and i guess just reminisce with someone who knew and understood. it was an odd conversation. not confrontational, not entirely, but definitely approached from a different perspective. and he desperately wanted to know who we 'supported.'

getting people to understand that you're not here to make those judgement calls, that its not your conflict, that no matter what you think/feel/say it is not ultimately you that makes the difference, its something that has to come from within the conflict, well, its hard. but its also good to engage with locals on both sides.

and it was just a surreal end to the weekend. i think he would have happily sat for hours talking with us, but we had dinner plans in jerusalem and were already running 30minutes late by the time we left him.

so it was a quick shower to de-beach and off to cinematequthe for dinner. and saying bye to lance - claire's husband - again so weird to actually be saying bye to people. but everyone takes it so pragmatically. i dunno, its something else, its nice to not be the 'emotionless one' when you say until next time instead of a teary goodbye.

and so its back to gaza bright and early tomorrow. and five days of work. then come thursday afternoon i am off for eid! heading down to dahab for the weekend - planning to do my advanced open water certification. lots of fun! i enjoy diving and i haven't done any in a while. diving the red will be cool!

do you ever have those moments of melancholy? out of the blue, in no relation to anything you've been doing - i mean, when you begin to reflect on them you understand, some silly trigger from your daily ongoings that remind you.

of someone who is no longer immediately in your life, of a place, of a time, of groups of people who you never thought you'd be apart from. just anything that was but no longer is.

those brief swells of joy, of remembering and smiling at those times, those interludes. and then the sadness when you remember that its just a memory, that those times have come and gone.

i reckon thats why i like books so much, they evoke all of those emotions from someone elses existence. at least if they're well written. and its a damn site easier to come back when its from the meanderings of a character in a book than when its from your own past.

today was busy. it was like everyone all of a sudden remembered that my boss was back and wanted a dozen things done in 10 minutes flat. that and people are lazy. they frustrate me immensely when they call me with questions in a bid to get me to do something that they just don't feel like doing.

but it was also productive, which is nice. and i managed to sneak away early with my bosses blessing, make it to the gym and home before iftar. then i lazed about for a bit and read hp. then, blessedly as i was about to start cooking dinner, the phone rang and it was cathy inviting me up for dinner.

shortly thereafter she called agin saying that he gas had run out, could she come and finish cooking dinner in my place? which was just fine as well! then jodie called saying she had sweets and to come up to scotts. so we all ended up in scotts gossiping away. then james came home and joined us.

sometimes its seriously like living in the dorms again.