What to Pack for One Year in Gaza

it is better to travel than to arrive - its very true. there's something intrinsically ingrained in traveling. car rides, train trips, flights, its not arriving at your final destination, its the possibility that takes place during the travel.

its as if time is suspended as you travel. everything becomes possible, you meet people who you never would have if you had not both been this place at the same time. life is suspended and you can be who you want to be, with goals and plans that you want to have, but are not necessarily feasible/compatible with you life.

i miss that feeling, that freedom. that's what i crave, not actually going somewhere, but the possibility that lights up in you belly every time you begin a trip, even one that is seemingly routine. because anything can happen, anytime, anywhere.

so, its a funny fact, but i have never seen so many people who smoke quite as much as my icrc colleagues. i guess after recalling where most of them have spent the past 5 years (sudan, somalia, congo, banda aceh, afghanistan) its not really a surprise.

is this whats in store for me? i hope not, it would be nice to believe, even for a moment, that we have a bit of control over our future.

but then its also just nice to live in the moment. to give up planning, to forget thinking three years in the future and where you want to be, and be happy with where you are, and who you are with.

its not all bad this growing up, its just important to remember where you stand, and never lose your base, whatever it may be....

I would like to think that one of the things that I have worked on since moving here is my ability to set aside when something bad happens and adapt to the situation, move on, and not let it snow-ball.

today has been one of those days that has tested all of that.

in fact, today has just fucking sucked.

i tried so hard to work through and past all of the bad things that happened.

but when it is just hailing down there is only so much that you can do.

and the bottle of wine breaking on my door step was just the final straw. not only did it of course have to happen in gaza - where alcohol is forbidden to begin with - but it had to splatter all over my lovely (expensive) shoes and my favourite trousers.

this is one of those days where you just want to crawl up in bed and pretend that if you close your eyes it will all go away. but there is hours yet of work to be done. and, unfortunately, just because you are having a bad day does not mean that the world stops.

i suppose its the general paradox: when you have time to write you have nothing to write about, and vice-versa.

okay, not quite true, but also find that there are so many things that i don't want to write here in this forum - for a variety of reasons.... i am a generally cautious person (mum and dad: stop laughing!).

i think it doesn't seem that way, because once i make up my mind that is it, the thought is immediately actioned. but its usually something that has been rolling around in my mind for ages, that i've agonised over, that i've made pro/con lists over (i openly admit to doing that :) )

this management workshop that we attended in damascus has really made me become aware of these things, this - for lack of a better word - self-growth. it feels all weird and corporate america, and self-help books, but i suppose there is something to at least parts of it.

of course, you have to first figure out who you are.... good luck to you. fastest path to an identity crisis that i have thus far discovered. those stupid I/E, S/N, T/F, P/J tests.... i came out really strong on one (guess which one....) and the rest were just a jumble... well, more the issue was that the self-assessment had me on one side and i had myself on the other.

i resolved one pretty quickly (the key is to distance yourself from work-you vs. you-you). and the second i mostly figured out. the third is still a bone of contention. i guess thats mostly what this wildly zig-zagging post is about.

i see myself very firmly as an introvert. yes, and introvert. everyone out there who is laughing can stop now. introverts can learn the traits of extroverts and can learn to function as extroverts. the question that was asked is when do you feel most re-charged? after a session with a group of people or after some alone time?

i find that there is nothing more liberating that spending time alone. a good book, a cup of coffee, people watching, or just letting the world slip by. thats when i feel most re-charged. thats why these last few weekends have been so great, just ambling along, reading a book, sitting in a coffee shop, going to the beach alone. its nice. i like that

so said, spending time around people can be nice. i had dinner with some friends last night. good friends. we had a raucously good time :) we totally entertained the entire wait staff..... from complaining about the new menu (i know, not so entertaining) to order the wine we did only because of the plastic bull that comes attached to the bottle....

a few bottles later there were bull fights ensuing at the table, where-upon the waitress gave us a glass full of the damn things. the boys then had a field day re-creating the running of the bulls, putting the camera on the table to make them seem bigger then make fake-scared faces over their shoulders as they 'ran' away.

yes, sometimes i too wonder if we are adults.... anyway, we must have had 3-4 of the wait staff and bar-staff come over and ask if they could take pictures. not of them with the bulls, but us! i don't even want to know where those pictures are ending up....

and today i am off for a bbq with some other friends. its a nice interspersion of alone time and with people time :)

Sometimes it amazes me that i've kept myself alive as long as i have.... its stupid little things. somehow, when i am a part of a group i am the level-headed, look-for-the-practical-answer, get things done person.

when i am by myself, i while away hours doing nothing, i can sit all day and read a book that isn't even that particularly interesting. i manage to not be able to figure out how to use our gas stove even with explicit instructions.

in essence, i manage to be the complete polar opposite of who i am in work mode... i am not sure if that is good, or even healthy, but its certainly how it is.

in work mode i have a set schedule and things have to happen to that schedule, and i get frustrated and angry if they don't.

in me-mode i manage to bumble along, i have no real plan, i let the water slide off my back and see whats around the next corner.

i am out again for the weekend. alone again. its a weird feeling. somehow even in gaza where i live alone i'm not really alone. its like a dorm-style living, just with much nicer accommodations. but here, in jerusalem, i really am alone in the flat when i am alone.

i guess its a weird part of growing up that this job manages to gloss over. we create a kind of dependency culture for ourselves as well.

this is not really a point filled post, its just sort of meandering as it goes. i got yelled at for not making a post for a while. i apologise, keeping the peace and operating within it is much harder than surviving the violence.

and certainly more exhausting. especially as everyone is using this opportunity to come to gaza. as we've had so few visitors before now and the security hasn't really allowed for it, this influx is catching us out with no real mechanism for dealing with it.

enter me and trying to manage this day to day. you want flying by the seat of your pants? try organising some new event/excursion each day of the week, on the day, with no prior knowledge that you're going to end up doing it.

i've become so number to it that i've got the routine down pat, i know all the questions to ask, the people to call, the things to worry about, the things to let go.

oh! dinner invitation :) and here i was all set to stay in and watch movies. but i like monas. who can say no to that? and its keeping with my social obligations - stephs stuck in for the weekend and has sent me off with specific instructions to have a good weekend so i have some good stories to tell when i get back.

brunch this morning, dinner this evening, and a bbq tomorrow afternoon. not bad, not bad at all.

i just verbally committed to a second year here. my boss was over the moon. he said some lovely things about my work over the last year, and that he was anxious that i was happy/learning/having a good experience. he also added that he wants this second year to be about me learning and growing and do more.

he said that the default answer will always be yes. i've officially proven myself!

and then there are moments when you think you've just completely lost it. agreeing to a second year in gaza?!?! wtf was i thinking? it certainly won't be any more than two years.

i've also become familiar with the flying formations of israeli apaches in tandemn with f16's, i'm on a first name basis with the PSC guys at erez, and i have no inhibitions about playing charades at hamsa hamsa with USG looking on....i need a life.

i've just finished the pen-ultimate episode of doctor who for this season. all of a sudden i have a reason to look forward to saturday night. its a nice change :)

vacillating over what to do this weekend - and its only monday evening!

how is it july?? where has the time gone.... tonight is my 9 month anniversary. thats one of the longest milestones i've ever reached. how alarming.

life is just completely surreal.

i spent the last few days in tel aviv, it's just fantastic there. and you can really do whatever you want. i miss the sea, i miss swimming. there is nothing worse than being able to look out over the med and not go to it.

i have also discovered some semblance of freedom that can be taken even without having a car. yes, sharuts. it was a bit of an adventure, but its always most difficult to do something new the first time. especially when the whole thing takes place in hebrew, and i have about 7 words of hebrew, and as soon as i say 'qadima' it kind of outs me for what i do...

anyway, i somehow made it back to jerusalem in one piece, mostly without incident.

its been nice to have a long weekend, a quiet weekend. just bumbling along by oneself is incredibly refreshing at times. its also nice to know that you can do it. its so easy to become dependent and full of expectations when there are constantly people taking care of every aspect of your life.

sometimes its nice to seize back a little control.

its going to be a challenge getting up tomorrow morning and going back. this are so tense. you just don't know where you stand, where things are going to be, whats going to happen.

i find myself hating having to talk about what i do. when you go out here, its like your some kind of novelty. people ask what you do, and you tell them, and thats it, all night is about that. its interesting and i love it. but living it every minute of every day is overwhelming. it takes a lot of energy, and i am just feeling a little run down now. i need a real holiday.

taking off today for a long weekend. spontaneity is good. its one of the tools to keep sane. oh, and i now have my special licence, so i'm borrowing a friends car, i might even make it to the beach! i just hope i don't get the stoning treatment, or the delightful yet un-imaginative 'useless-nobodies'. yes, its truly lovely the people who occupy jerusalem....

and what a good pun that i did not even intend!

anyway, off to work for a few hours, then a quick break.

Its the end of another weekend - and I suppose thus the end of another week. its been a long one that has involved a lot of soul-searching, not that I have reached any answers, but I feel in a bit better place now, like I know where I need to go with my questions.

It also probably helps that we got out this weekend. And its been a relaxing weekend. Kind of stumbling around Jerusalem by myself, meeting up with other friends and just sort of figuring things out by myself. Its nice. I miss that feeling. I missing feeling independent. Its certainly more challenging, but far nicer than just having everything taken care of, which just creates an awful lie.

It was a long week at work. Two whole days were devoted to OD (organisational development) - which was fine. I don't feel like I learnt much from it, so much of it is just common sense. But I think that it was beneficial for many of our colleagues, who still require some convincing that just because you have been doing it that way for that last 60 years doesn't mean its the right way!

And then there was the usual fiasco of crossing out through Erez, which was compounded by the high number of internationals and vehicles leaving through the border. It just took ages, we were there for 3.5hrs, mostly because of the three ambulances traveling through. But really, it shouldn't take three ambulances 3.5hrs!

It was interested to be in the terminal and see where the rocket landed. For those who haven't heard the story first hand, last weekend the reason that we were locked in was because  a rocket landed in the crossing terminal, in the passport control area. It was a miracle that no one was injured, thank God.

But, one of our deputies was detained in the bunker for about three hours before they declared it safe and allowed him to leave. Two other colleagues had just exited and could see the rockets and mortars landing in the fields around. Of course they wouldn't let them back into the terminal, and so they had to make a quick exit trying to escape the range of the things.

No injuries through. Thats really whats key.

But, anyway, they mostly fixed the terminal, but not that glass. Now, I have said on many an occasion that they really shouldn't have made a terminal in that location out of quite so much glass. But far be it for someone like to listen to someone like me.

It's all double pane, and shatter-proofed. But you could see where all of the shrapnel hit, and all of the inside panes were broken in these intricate spider-web patterns. It really was something else.

it was also amazing how quickly they fixed the roof and floor. Almost like nothing happened. Its like they want to pretend that it doesn't happen, that they cannot be hit. Those poor kids who have to go to work there everyday. Imagine that.

Its so interesting to speak to them, so many of there families live in that belt around Gaza and before Ashqelon. Everyone is so hopefully for this 'hudna' (truce), lets hope that it lasts.

I had fun yesterday shopping, its always a good treat. And this new mall has a MAC in it, yay!!! We spent about an hour talking to the girl there, she was so interested to know what it was like. And she finished with the strangest thing, she thanked us for sharing our experiences, the good the bad, our opinions, everything, she thanked us for sharing it with her.

There is always hope in this world. Its so nice to be reminded of that.